Mark said it would be gone by Easter... and it was!

I'm going to try to be as brief as possible with this story, though it will be hard. I had to post this for all of you who have been praying over me and the Moran family regarding the death of little Audrey.

Friday night, I nailed to the Cross (at the Good Friday service... so literally and in my heart) "problems with Sarah. Guilt over Audrey's death". Mark said whatever we nailed to the Cross would be gone on Sunday and I knew he meant to say not just from the piece of wood at the front of the church but that something miraculous would happen. I told God that I would have faith that it could and to help my unbelief because everyone in the world told me that it would just take time and I needed to patient with Sarah because the time had been very short.

Anyway, I had become increasingly disturbed by the fact that Sarah was so warm towards me the week of Audrey's death and at the funeral, and the further time went along, the bigger the wall that seemed to be put up between us. We had a relationship that included deep conversation and the few conversations have become so shallow and I sensed hostility and I was beginning to worry that she blamed me and was beginning to hate me. Our daughters in Kindergarden are best friends and in the same class, so interaction was inevitable. And at first I wanted those chances to come so there would be opportunities to see her and hope for a better reception from her. My frustration was, she eventually made it clear that subject of Audrey's death was completely off limits, which was awkward because it seemed I was the only one that rule applied to.

Just as things were starting to get so bad that i was in tears after every interaction with her (not that she was being mean, just distant) that a common friend of both of ours revealed a conversation with Sarah from almost a month ago that she thought ought to be confidential (though Sarah had not requested it) but she decided it needed to be relayed to me because she knew what Sarah was thinking regarding me and what was in my heart was so very different.
She was upset because it seemed like I was always looking for redemption or absolvement from her but had never admitted to any responsibility or said sorry for what happened. For those who know me well, they know that with any conflict, I am eager to find any fault that was mine and admit to it, even if it's only one percent of the blame, I am eager to confess it. But I had been counseled by so many people to be careful in what I say, for fear of lawsuit, and also by others to refuse to see anything as my fault (because they feared I was living under condemnation) and just to see God as sovereign and who can resist his will.

The problem was, and I found this sentiment in my journal dated two weeks after Audrey's death (By the way, Audrey's birthday would have been this Friday. Pray for Sarah). I wrote that I had a dilemma in that I desperately craved forgiveness from Sarah, yet everyone keeps telling me that I didn't do anything wrong and there is nothing to forgive. I wanted to confess my responsibility, but was told not to (again, for fear of lawsuit and the state of mind that can come after a child's death to cause good people to act outside their nature). So I just had to live with it.

This is where it gets good!!!
So when i got this imformation that the very thing that was causing the wall was the very thing that was burning for my heart to empty out to her, it was impossible to hold back any longer. I happened to have this conversation with the common friend on Saturday and wrote the email to Sarah Saturday night. I admitted that I felt guilty that there were things i could have to done to prevent what happened. I didn't walk the kids inside and get them settled before getting the groceries. Instead I brought them as far as the garage and sent them in. Emily went in, Audrey did not, probably because she was deathly scared of our dog, who was in her cage, but Audrey didn't know that and I feel bad for not remembering her fear. Ultimately, I've never been overprotective but am rather a recovering underprotective mother. I'm working on that, and God has kept my kids alive in amazing ways and am horrified that someone else's child ended up paying for me not being as careful as many other mothers are. And I even felt bad that, even though God has been working on me to put my "me" time on the altar, when Bethany moved and we no longer traded kids, so now that Audrey was older and Caroline was in kindergarden (Mary Claire in preschool on the days we did our trades) I asked her if we would be willing to make the same sort of arrangement and she was reticent. But I felt guilty because I think I pressured her a little and she gave in because she felt sorry for me, not because she was craving days off herself.

As soon as I sent this email, my heart felt so free and God's forgiveness finally flooded into my heart and released me from the guilt I'd been feeling. It really almost didn't matter whether she responded or not.

But she did! And she started by saying Thank You!!!! And saying that this "freed her heart" and that my email was a direct answer to prayer and that she had been hoping for this from me but was coming to accept that she may never receive it. But she was making a decision to forgive anyway, had from the start, but this freed her heart to help her emotions line up with her decision. And this frees me to keep the conversation "casual" because I really have no desire to discuss Audrey or that day one more time. It was just awkward, because I was bringing it up as a way of coping with not being able to say waht was really on my heart, what I had almost forgot that I longed to do, because it had become suppressed by months of following directives not to reveal it, and becoming convinced by many who counseled me that it was wrong to think anything was my fault.

We ended up having at least 5 total responses between the two of us, conversing over email, because she was so eager to tell me how happy she was and i was so eager to share my joy with her. Our other recent email exchanges have been as brief as humanly possible, almost "form-letterish" on her end. I wish I felt free to simply copy and paste the whole thing, but there are reasons I cannot. But the few I have let read it have been brought to tears by it because of the total change of heart that was revealed by Sarah in my finally revealing my heart.

Praise God!!! I know that none of this happened simply because of my confession alone, but the blood of Jesus has been hard at work in both of our lives throughout. She was longing to forgive and I was refusing to accept any wall between us as "natural", because God's word tells me the he is the remover of dividing walls and the level of offense does not make his promises and character change and what he wants for the body of Christ. No division in the body is his will and we should never casually accept falling-outs becuase of "personality differences" or "offenses to large to forgive" or any reason whatsoever. And this weekend, God made the unprecedented come true. So let this be everyone's 4-minute mile and pray for all of the relationships you've given up on, marriages that have long since "died", things like that. Keep your faith in God's character, his promises and the power of the Blood of the Lamb!!

Do I have it in me to Revere God?

I know that I ought to be posting pictures right now from Brynn's Birthday and our trip to the zoo but I've had something percolating in my brain that have to get out before I lose it.

In the study my small group is going through, Praying the Names of God, we are studying the name Adonai right now, which refers to God as our Lord and Master, as our Sovereign. One of the instructions for prayer time says, "Praise God because his greatness cmopels our service."

This really stumped me. I tried to think of a similar situation where I felt compelled, by someone's greatness, to enter into someone's service. Maybe I might be compelled by money, or perhaps compelled by force, but by greatness? I can't think of a single person on this earth that prompts a feeling of reverence in my heart:

-Most world leaders have long since lost my respect.

-I've been taught since birth that my parents are the source of most of my "baggage".

-My Greek dictionary includes in the definition "respect" (as in what my attitude should be towards my husband) the word "revere". But every TV show and movie I've watched since childhood have told me that men are selfish, bumbling, emotionally bankrupt creatures. Even though I've managed to become convinced that that is not true, it's quite a leap having come from that perspective all the way to reverence.

And to be a servant, to be at someone's beck and call, unquestioningly obeying them... in some cultures, that's simply a description of a good majority of the population's situation in life, their way of life, maybe in some cases forced, but not dishonorable unless someone of a greater station is suddenly forced to take on these tasks. But in America, to live this way is simply considered abhorrent, not to be tolerated. To be a bondservant or a slave is a shameful and a violation of human rights.

And those who rise to greatness, politically anyway, are compelled to make a show of how they are a man of the people, that they can serve pancakes and pass out water at a hurricane disaster center.

I heard Ravi Zacharias say that reverence is a character trait that is a strength of the Indian culture. In fact, from infancy, the father is not called simply "Daddy", but "Daddy sir" and mother's addressed in the same manner. I would argue that American culture works hard to program the exact opposite attitude from birth.

To come to my point, Jesus said to his disciples in John 15 "14You are my friends if you do what I command you. 15No longer do I call you servants, for the servant does not know what his master is doing; but I have called you friends, for all that I have heard from my Father I have made known to you."

Notice first that the "friend" still is described as obedient. Also notice that "friend" is a status that came to follow after three full years of being "servant". We so freely sing the song "I am a friend of God", but can we even claim a week's worth of being his servant, calling our life not our own and following all his promptings and known commands?

It was interesting that all that I had been meditating upon on this subject became relevant when talking to a friend about child-rearing and they were asking me my take on the "Love and Logic" techniques. I have not read the book, so I can't claim to have full knowledge. I am sure that there is alot of good material in the book. But i'm always on the lookout for where worldly philosophy creeps in. "Beware the yeast (the teachings) of the Pharisees" Jesus warned his disciples. Just a little bit of yeast works through the whole dough over time. And I have looked at this in the light, if you take on little bit of heresy, and hide it like a needle in a haystack among a pile of truth and do that over and over, book after book, movie after movie, article after article, newscast after newscast, it works it's way into the realm of unquestioned truth.

I kind of laughed at the example of giving a child the choice "do you want to leave in 10 minutes or 15 minutes?" The reason I laughed is because I have four children. So what do I do, take a vote and toss a coin if a tie-breaker is needed? I noticed in the Dugger home (the parents with 17, or is it 18 now, children) that choice is not something they get alot of. For instance, an edict was finally made that all boys wear black socks and all the girls white and all the same brand so that laundry sorting didn't become a complete nightmare.

It is true that with stronger-willed children, that giving choices does help. But I simply have scenarios constantly where I cannot give a choice and I don't have time to give a reason and where the child simply doesn't have the capability to understand the reason. So there are times where Nick and I actually will ask our children to do something completely illogical to test them to see if they will do it. And I tell them that if they don't learn to obey illogical commands, they will not be fit servants for God. For just think of all the crazy things God's servants have been asked to do:

-"Don't eat from that tree that has fruit that appears just as harmless as any other in the garden"
-"Leave your family and home and go live in tents for awhile"
-"Smear lamb's blood on your doorpost"
-"Pick up that snake by its tail"
-"Walk around that city for 7 days and then shout REAL loud!"
-"Wash 7 times in the river and you'll be cured"
-"Pick up your mat and walk, lame man."

Heavenly Father, I just don't have it in me. The world has programmed me for irreverence, disrespect and to question all authority. Thank you that your Son, who obeyed perfectly, dwells in my through your Holy Spirit. Wash my sinful mind clean. Give the attitude that was in Christ Jesus who counted himself nothing and was obedient unto death. Lord, your Spirit in me is my only hope. Grant me a heart of reverence, obedience and a vision of a God worth following... grant me a vision of you that makes it unthinkable not to say no to everything else. By the blood of your Son, as request this in the name of Jesus, my only hope. Amen.

Dog Days of March

Yesterday, to my annoyance, I remembered early in the day that I hadn't washed the kids' bedding in awhile. This made me think that I didn't want to wash Jordan's without washing the dog too. God must have placed that thought there to prepare me so I wouldn't me so annoyed later.After putting Emily down for a nap, a little later than usual because we had alot of errands yesterday morning, I felt the urgency to get settled down to rest before I pick up the kids from school. I then realized Sasha had been really agitated for awhile but I hadn't really paid attention while Emily was up. She'd been coming in and out of the back yard over and over and I realized finally that she was covered in mud. She'd been digging under the shed. The last time she did that, she came out with a rabbit for a late evening snack. So I was thankful that I'd already thought about needing to wash her since I was sacrificing my downtime to do it. It made it less annoying anyway. I block the doggie door to keep her from getting back out unsuperfised, but she is determined and manages to get out again so I lock her up. I let her out when the kids came home because they were going to play in the back yard and could supervise her. So they played (mostly because I was trying to get them to leave me alone for a minute because the whole 'It is finished" thing came to me while waiting at parent pickup and I was feeling and urgency to get it written down) And suddenly they come in with excited voices saying there's a dog in our house and it's not our dog. I come out to find a frightened little pomeranian with branches from my rose bush (which I throw over the fence when I prune) tangled in her fur. She must have gotten in through the missing picket in our fence facing the greenbelt area and come to hide under our shed, probably during the hail dounpour we had yesterday morning. Abby was the only one of the kids not afraid of a strange dog being in our house and she held her while I cut all the stuff out of her fur. Smelling her, I realized she must have felt trapped under there and been living near where she went to the bathroom, so I gave her a bath. I then called Bethany for tips on how to handle drying and brushing the impossible coat of a pomeranian (she used to have one)Very soon after I got her dry, Nick comes home from an incredibly bad day at work, so I felt it necessary to make sure the dog calmed down so Sasha would stop barking at her so I ordered Jordan to stop playing his xbox and walk the little fluffball. So he goes out and happens to pass a fellow putting up signs for the very same dog. She had been missing since Saturday and they were about to leave on vacation and were so worried about leaving while she was still lost. I talked to him and he showed us that he lived on our street about 10 houses down and that we could come and see her anytime (we'd all become attached). I've been praying for connections with our neighbors. Many came through Audrey's death, but now I have one more name to pray for on my block.

It is Finished

I've been thinking about how rarely these words are uttered --"It is finished"--and it be utterly true. How many things in this world can truly be finished and perfectly completed?

When I clean my house, there is always something else I could do to make it better. If I create a work of art, there is always one more detail that could be added. Ultimately, I could finish a book, but author probably only finished writing it because of a deadline he had. I'm sure every author that ever lived would look back over their work and find a detail they would change, a part they aren't quite satisfied with.

I finish a meal, but I just get hungry again. I get eight hours sleep, but I wear out by days end and have to do it all over again.

We go through life feeling unfinished, unsatisfied, not quite having arrived.

And we finish raising children, but would always go back to do something differently if we could. And our children somehow find the way to let their life unravel at those unfinished ends. (Though God gives more grace.) We finish a conversation and remember later something we forgot to mention. And we finish an argument and no one really wins. Treaties are signed and wars just start back up again. Convictions are handed down by a jury, but there's always an appeal. Declarations of innocence are handed down by juries, but the rumors and slander somehow survive this and outlast the trial.

I've heard about the importance of "closure". Someone dies and their life is over, but a mess is left behind, broken hearts, unfinished business, unsaid words. Someone feels wronged, and they long for the one who wronged them to "pay". But then revenge, if somehow exacted, leaves and empty bitter hole that consumes the one one who won the lawsuit or found some other way for the person to pay. Or maybe we feel guilty. When there is conflict, usually both sides can find evidence to convict the other. So we go in circles, rehearsing the offense, torturing oursrselves for our part in the matter.

Then it happened.... the perfect man died a perfectly horrible death at the perfect time, pouring out his perfect blood for perfect healing and perfect redemption. The perfect loophole was found to perfectly confound the accusations of the devil. He perfectly fixed the perfect mess Adam and Eve left us in. It was finally perfect. Nothing else ever accomplished could really be called finished. But he did it... so he said it... "It is fnished"