Mark said it would be gone by Easter... and it was!

I'm going to try to be as brief as possible with this story, though it will be hard. I had to post this for all of you who have been praying over me and the Moran family regarding the death of little Audrey.

Friday night, I nailed to the Cross (at the Good Friday service... so literally and in my heart) "problems with Sarah. Guilt over Audrey's death". Mark said whatever we nailed to the Cross would be gone on Sunday and I knew he meant to say not just from the piece of wood at the front of the church but that something miraculous would happen. I told God that I would have faith that it could and to help my unbelief because everyone in the world told me that it would just take time and I needed to patient with Sarah because the time had been very short.

Anyway, I had become increasingly disturbed by the fact that Sarah was so warm towards me the week of Audrey's death and at the funeral, and the further time went along, the bigger the wall that seemed to be put up between us. We had a relationship that included deep conversation and the few conversations have become so shallow and I sensed hostility and I was beginning to worry that she blamed me and was beginning to hate me. Our daughters in Kindergarden are best friends and in the same class, so interaction was inevitable. And at first I wanted those chances to come so there would be opportunities to see her and hope for a better reception from her. My frustration was, she eventually made it clear that subject of Audrey's death was completely off limits, which was awkward because it seemed I was the only one that rule applied to.

Just as things were starting to get so bad that i was in tears after every interaction with her (not that she was being mean, just distant) that a common friend of both of ours revealed a conversation with Sarah from almost a month ago that she thought ought to be confidential (though Sarah had not requested it) but she decided it needed to be relayed to me because she knew what Sarah was thinking regarding me and what was in my heart was so very different.
She was upset because it seemed like I was always looking for redemption or absolvement from her but had never admitted to any responsibility or said sorry for what happened. For those who know me well, they know that with any conflict, I am eager to find any fault that was mine and admit to it, even if it's only one percent of the blame, I am eager to confess it. But I had been counseled by so many people to be careful in what I say, for fear of lawsuit, and also by others to refuse to see anything as my fault (because they feared I was living under condemnation) and just to see God as sovereign and who can resist his will.

The problem was, and I found this sentiment in my journal dated two weeks after Audrey's death (By the way, Audrey's birthday would have been this Friday. Pray for Sarah). I wrote that I had a dilemma in that I desperately craved forgiveness from Sarah, yet everyone keeps telling me that I didn't do anything wrong and there is nothing to forgive. I wanted to confess my responsibility, but was told not to (again, for fear of lawsuit and the state of mind that can come after a child's death to cause good people to act outside their nature). So I just had to live with it.

This is where it gets good!!!
So when i got this imformation that the very thing that was causing the wall was the very thing that was burning for my heart to empty out to her, it was impossible to hold back any longer. I happened to have this conversation with the common friend on Saturday and wrote the email to Sarah Saturday night. I admitted that I felt guilty that there were things i could have to done to prevent what happened. I didn't walk the kids inside and get them settled before getting the groceries. Instead I brought them as far as the garage and sent them in. Emily went in, Audrey did not, probably because she was deathly scared of our dog, who was in her cage, but Audrey didn't know that and I feel bad for not remembering her fear. Ultimately, I've never been overprotective but am rather a recovering underprotective mother. I'm working on that, and God has kept my kids alive in amazing ways and am horrified that someone else's child ended up paying for me not being as careful as many other mothers are. And I even felt bad that, even though God has been working on me to put my "me" time on the altar, when Bethany moved and we no longer traded kids, so now that Audrey was older and Caroline was in kindergarden (Mary Claire in preschool on the days we did our trades) I asked her if we would be willing to make the same sort of arrangement and she was reticent. But I felt guilty because I think I pressured her a little and she gave in because she felt sorry for me, not because she was craving days off herself.

As soon as I sent this email, my heart felt so free and God's forgiveness finally flooded into my heart and released me from the guilt I'd been feeling. It really almost didn't matter whether she responded or not.

But she did! And she started by saying Thank You!!!! And saying that this "freed her heart" and that my email was a direct answer to prayer and that she had been hoping for this from me but was coming to accept that she may never receive it. But she was making a decision to forgive anyway, had from the start, but this freed her heart to help her emotions line up with her decision. And this frees me to keep the conversation "casual" because I really have no desire to discuss Audrey or that day one more time. It was just awkward, because I was bringing it up as a way of coping with not being able to say waht was really on my heart, what I had almost forgot that I longed to do, because it had become suppressed by months of following directives not to reveal it, and becoming convinced by many who counseled me that it was wrong to think anything was my fault.

We ended up having at least 5 total responses between the two of us, conversing over email, because she was so eager to tell me how happy she was and i was so eager to share my joy with her. Our other recent email exchanges have been as brief as humanly possible, almost "form-letterish" on her end. I wish I felt free to simply copy and paste the whole thing, but there are reasons I cannot. But the few I have let read it have been brought to tears by it because of the total change of heart that was revealed by Sarah in my finally revealing my heart.

Praise God!!! I know that none of this happened simply because of my confession alone, but the blood of Jesus has been hard at work in both of our lives throughout. She was longing to forgive and I was refusing to accept any wall between us as "natural", because God's word tells me the he is the remover of dividing walls and the level of offense does not make his promises and character change and what he wants for the body of Christ. No division in the body is his will and we should never casually accept falling-outs becuase of "personality differences" or "offenses to large to forgive" or any reason whatsoever. And this weekend, God made the unprecedented come true. So let this be everyone's 4-minute mile and pray for all of the relationships you've given up on, marriages that have long since "died", things like that. Keep your faith in God's character, his promises and the power of the Blood of the Lamb!!