Wednesday, January 6, 2010

A new Year, A new Heart... this is what I need.

Last night, I had a little meltdown that showed me just how angry I am about some things. I'm not a big fan of laying out my dirtiest laundry in cyberspace, but I'm thinking that maybe there are some that might relate and could be encouraged. Who knows?

As I was beginning to say, I'm very angry inside. What came out as I poured my heart out to God (I'm so grateful when my meltdowns happen with Him and not in other harmful forms with my family.) was a glimpse of the ugliness of rage that I was simply calling "resentment". Like God spoke through Isaiah, I had serious, gaping, festering wounds in my hearts that I was not treating seriously or tending to and they were poisoning my life. If you're married, you know how it can be when you have a fight with your spouse and you separate angrily and can't function to do anything else, can't concentrate on any task, until you resolve your conflict. Well, This is where I am, more or less. But it's over conflict with people I rarely see and whose relationships have become superficial and the conflict will probably never be resolved other than for me to lay my hurt down at the Cross and walk away and never look back.

So what has been happening is that I've been walking in serious poverty where I should have riches. I've entrusted my heart to sinful men, they've smashed it to pieces and I'm sitting here waiting on them to put it together again. And of course, they never will. They wouldn't know where to begin. I'm grateful to my husband who has counseled me over and over to resist the urge to let those who have hurt me know how deeply I'm hurt, to make an effort to get them to see what they've done. It's a tempting but foolish path for so many reasons. As I imagine what would happen if I did, not a single outcome is anything that would ultimately make me happy.

But the desire to "resolve" all this is holding me back from everything that could be called moving forward, or even simply abiding in anything that could be called contentment. And the tremendous shipwreck that I've had has caused me to not even want to set sail again. And I stay on the shores of a dry and weary land, still looking for water. I read "His lovingkindness is better than life" and it's never fallen so flat. But I think it's the first time I've had to depend on him and only him. I think I read that before and rejoiced, but was still receiving water from the broken cisterns that surrounded me. (In Jeremiah, the Lord accuses his people of forsaking the spring of living water and going to broken cisterns when they thirst.) Now I have no one but him and am facing a crisis of belief. Is He really enough?

Will I gladly not look back and gladly look forward to a life where He is my only portion? I have my face turned up toward him waiting for the grace to believe and am hopeful. "Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life!"

2 comments:

tpot said...

Cindy,
I know this is difficult for you. I cannot imagine the pain you feel from this. I will pray for you that God would be enough to heal you and completely resolve this within you. He is the lifter of our head.
-T

Lisa said...

I'm not sure I know what's going on, but you know I love you and I'm always praying for you! :)