I'm a lump of clay in the potter's hands

I have recently been challenged by God and many respected mentors to be still and know that he is God and do alot more of nothing. Nothing lengthy here, but really just an excuse to have something into which to insert a picture so I can use it as my new avatar. :)

Mark said it would be gone by Easter... and it was!

I'm going to try to be as brief as possible with this story, though it will be hard. I had to post this for all of you who have been praying over me and the Moran family regarding the death of little Audrey.

Friday night, I nailed to the Cross (at the Good Friday service... so literally and in my heart) "problems with Sarah. Guilt over Audrey's death". Mark said whatever we nailed to the Cross would be gone on Sunday and I knew he meant to say not just from the piece of wood at the front of the church but that something miraculous would happen. I told God that I would have faith that it could and to help my unbelief because everyone in the world told me that it would just take time and I needed to patient with Sarah because the time had been very short.

Anyway, I had become increasingly disturbed by the fact that Sarah was so warm towards me the week of Audrey's death and at the funeral, and the further time went along, the bigger the wall that seemed to be put up between us. We had a relationship that included deep conversation and the few conversations have become so shallow and I sensed hostility and I was beginning to worry that she blamed me and was beginning to hate me. Our daughters in Kindergarden are best friends and in the same class, so interaction was inevitable. And at first I wanted those chances to come so there would be opportunities to see her and hope for a better reception from her. My frustration was, she eventually made it clear that subject of Audrey's death was completely off limits, which was awkward because it seemed I was the only one that rule applied to.

Just as things were starting to get so bad that i was in tears after every interaction with her (not that she was being mean, just distant) that a common friend of both of ours revealed a conversation with Sarah from almost a month ago that she thought ought to be confidential (though Sarah had not requested it) but she decided it needed to be relayed to me because she knew what Sarah was thinking regarding me and what was in my heart was so very different.
She was upset because it seemed like I was always looking for redemption or absolvement from her but had never admitted to any responsibility or said sorry for what happened. For those who know me well, they know that with any conflict, I am eager to find any fault that was mine and admit to it, even if it's only one percent of the blame, I am eager to confess it. But I had been counseled by so many people to be careful in what I say, for fear of lawsuit, and also by others to refuse to see anything as my fault (because they feared I was living under condemnation) and just to see God as sovereign and who can resist his will.

The problem was, and I found this sentiment in my journal dated two weeks after Audrey's death (By the way, Audrey's birthday would have been this Friday. Pray for Sarah). I wrote that I had a dilemma in that I desperately craved forgiveness from Sarah, yet everyone keeps telling me that I didn't do anything wrong and there is nothing to forgive. I wanted to confess my responsibility, but was told not to (again, for fear of lawsuit and the state of mind that can come after a child's death to cause good people to act outside their nature). So I just had to live with it.

This is where it gets good!!!
So when i got this imformation that the very thing that was causing the wall was the very thing that was burning for my heart to empty out to her, it was impossible to hold back any longer. I happened to have this conversation with the common friend on Saturday and wrote the email to Sarah Saturday night. I admitted that I felt guilty that there were things i could have to done to prevent what happened. I didn't walk the kids inside and get them settled before getting the groceries. Instead I brought them as far as the garage and sent them in. Emily went in, Audrey did not, probably because she was deathly scared of our dog, who was in her cage, but Audrey didn't know that and I feel bad for not remembering her fear. Ultimately, I've never been overprotective but am rather a recovering underprotective mother. I'm working on that, and God has kept my kids alive in amazing ways and am horrified that someone else's child ended up paying for me not being as careful as many other mothers are. And I even felt bad that, even though God has been working on me to put my "me" time on the altar, when Bethany moved and we no longer traded kids, so now that Audrey was older and Caroline was in kindergarden (Mary Claire in preschool on the days we did our trades) I asked her if we would be willing to make the same sort of arrangement and she was reticent. But I felt guilty because I think I pressured her a little and she gave in because she felt sorry for me, not because she was craving days off herself.

As soon as I sent this email, my heart felt so free and God's forgiveness finally flooded into my heart and released me from the guilt I'd been feeling. It really almost didn't matter whether she responded or not.

But she did! And she started by saying Thank You!!!! And saying that this "freed her heart" and that my email was a direct answer to prayer and that she had been hoping for this from me but was coming to accept that she may never receive it. But she was making a decision to forgive anyway, had from the start, but this freed her heart to help her emotions line up with her decision. And this frees me to keep the conversation "casual" because I really have no desire to discuss Audrey or that day one more time. It was just awkward, because I was bringing it up as a way of coping with not being able to say waht was really on my heart, what I had almost forgot that I longed to do, because it had become suppressed by months of following directives not to reveal it, and becoming convinced by many who counseled me that it was wrong to think anything was my fault.

We ended up having at least 5 total responses between the two of us, conversing over email, because she was so eager to tell me how happy she was and i was so eager to share my joy with her. Our other recent email exchanges have been as brief as humanly possible, almost "form-letterish" on her end. I wish I felt free to simply copy and paste the whole thing, but there are reasons I cannot. But the few I have let read it have been brought to tears by it because of the total change of heart that was revealed by Sarah in my finally revealing my heart.

Praise God!!! I know that none of this happened simply because of my confession alone, but the blood of Jesus has been hard at work in both of our lives throughout. She was longing to forgive and I was refusing to accept any wall between us as "natural", because God's word tells me the he is the remover of dividing walls and the level of offense does not make his promises and character change and what he wants for the body of Christ. No division in the body is his will and we should never casually accept falling-outs becuase of "personality differences" or "offenses to large to forgive" or any reason whatsoever. And this weekend, God made the unprecedented come true. So let this be everyone's 4-minute mile and pray for all of the relationships you've given up on, marriages that have long since "died", things like that. Keep your faith in God's character, his promises and the power of the Blood of the Lamb!!

Do I have it in me to Revere God?

I know that I ought to be posting pictures right now from Brynn's Birthday and our trip to the zoo but I've had something percolating in my brain that have to get out before I lose it.

In the study my small group is going through, Praying the Names of God, we are studying the name Adonai right now, which refers to God as our Lord and Master, as our Sovereign. One of the instructions for prayer time says, "Praise God because his greatness cmopels our service."

This really stumped me. I tried to think of a similar situation where I felt compelled, by someone's greatness, to enter into someone's service. Maybe I might be compelled by money, or perhaps compelled by force, but by greatness? I can't think of a single person on this earth that prompts a feeling of reverence in my heart:

-Most world leaders have long since lost my respect.

-I've been taught since birth that my parents are the source of most of my "baggage".

-My Greek dictionary includes in the definition "respect" (as in what my attitude should be towards my husband) the word "revere". But every TV show and movie I've watched since childhood have told me that men are selfish, bumbling, emotionally bankrupt creatures. Even though I've managed to become convinced that that is not true, it's quite a leap having come from that perspective all the way to reverence.

And to be a servant, to be at someone's beck and call, unquestioningly obeying them... in some cultures, that's simply a description of a good majority of the population's situation in life, their way of life, maybe in some cases forced, but not dishonorable unless someone of a greater station is suddenly forced to take on these tasks. But in America, to live this way is simply considered abhorrent, not to be tolerated. To be a bondservant or a slave is a shameful and a violation of human rights.

And those who rise to greatness, politically anyway, are compelled to make a show of how they are a man of the people, that they can serve pancakes and pass out water at a hurricane disaster center.

I heard Ravi Zacharias say that reverence is a character trait that is a strength of the Indian culture. In fact, from infancy, the father is not called simply "Daddy", but "Daddy sir" and mother's addressed in the same manner. I would argue that American culture works hard to program the exact opposite attitude from birth.

To come to my point, Jesus said to his disciples in John 15 "14You are my friends if you do what I command you. 15No longer do I call you servants, for the servant does not know what his master is doing; but I have called you friends, for all that I have heard from my Father I have made known to you."

Notice first that the "friend" still is described as obedient. Also notice that "friend" is a status that came to follow after three full years of being "servant". We so freely sing the song "I am a friend of God", but can we even claim a week's worth of being his servant, calling our life not our own and following all his promptings and known commands?

It was interesting that all that I had been meditating upon on this subject became relevant when talking to a friend about child-rearing and they were asking me my take on the "Love and Logic" techniques. I have not read the book, so I can't claim to have full knowledge. I am sure that there is alot of good material in the book. But i'm always on the lookout for where worldly philosophy creeps in. "Beware the yeast (the teachings) of the Pharisees" Jesus warned his disciples. Just a little bit of yeast works through the whole dough over time. And I have looked at this in the light, if you take on little bit of heresy, and hide it like a needle in a haystack among a pile of truth and do that over and over, book after book, movie after movie, article after article, newscast after newscast, it works it's way into the realm of unquestioned truth.

I kind of laughed at the example of giving a child the choice "do you want to leave in 10 minutes or 15 minutes?" The reason I laughed is because I have four children. So what do I do, take a vote and toss a coin if a tie-breaker is needed? I noticed in the Dugger home (the parents with 17, or is it 18 now, children) that choice is not something they get alot of. For instance, an edict was finally made that all boys wear black socks and all the girls white and all the same brand so that laundry sorting didn't become a complete nightmare.

It is true that with stronger-willed children, that giving choices does help. But I simply have scenarios constantly where I cannot give a choice and I don't have time to give a reason and where the child simply doesn't have the capability to understand the reason. So there are times where Nick and I actually will ask our children to do something completely illogical to test them to see if they will do it. And I tell them that if they don't learn to obey illogical commands, they will not be fit servants for God. For just think of all the crazy things God's servants have been asked to do:

-"Don't eat from that tree that has fruit that appears just as harmless as any other in the garden"
-"Leave your family and home and go live in tents for awhile"
-"Smear lamb's blood on your doorpost"
-"Pick up that snake by its tail"
-"Walk around that city for 7 days and then shout REAL loud!"
-"Wash 7 times in the river and you'll be cured"
-"Pick up your mat and walk, lame man."

Heavenly Father, I just don't have it in me. The world has programmed me for irreverence, disrespect and to question all authority. Thank you that your Son, who obeyed perfectly, dwells in my through your Holy Spirit. Wash my sinful mind clean. Give the attitude that was in Christ Jesus who counted himself nothing and was obedient unto death. Lord, your Spirit in me is my only hope. Grant me a heart of reverence, obedience and a vision of a God worth following... grant me a vision of you that makes it unthinkable not to say no to everything else. By the blood of your Son, as request this in the name of Jesus, my only hope. Amen.

Dog Days of March

Yesterday, to my annoyance, I remembered early in the day that I hadn't washed the kids' bedding in awhile. This made me think that I didn't want to wash Jordan's without washing the dog too. God must have placed that thought there to prepare me so I wouldn't me so annoyed later.After putting Emily down for a nap, a little later than usual because we had alot of errands yesterday morning, I felt the urgency to get settled down to rest before I pick up the kids from school. I then realized Sasha had been really agitated for awhile but I hadn't really paid attention while Emily was up. She'd been coming in and out of the back yard over and over and I realized finally that she was covered in mud. She'd been digging under the shed. The last time she did that, she came out with a rabbit for a late evening snack. So I was thankful that I'd already thought about needing to wash her since I was sacrificing my downtime to do it. It made it less annoying anyway. I block the doggie door to keep her from getting back out unsuperfised, but she is determined and manages to get out again so I lock her up. I let her out when the kids came home because they were going to play in the back yard and could supervise her. So they played (mostly because I was trying to get them to leave me alone for a minute because the whole 'It is finished" thing came to me while waiting at parent pickup and I was feeling and urgency to get it written down) And suddenly they come in with excited voices saying there's a dog in our house and it's not our dog. I come out to find a frightened little pomeranian with branches from my rose bush (which I throw over the fence when I prune) tangled in her fur. She must have gotten in through the missing picket in our fence facing the greenbelt area and come to hide under our shed, probably during the hail dounpour we had yesterday morning. Abby was the only one of the kids not afraid of a strange dog being in our house and she held her while I cut all the stuff out of her fur. Smelling her, I realized she must have felt trapped under there and been living near where she went to the bathroom, so I gave her a bath. I then called Bethany for tips on how to handle drying and brushing the impossible coat of a pomeranian (she used to have one)Very soon after I got her dry, Nick comes home from an incredibly bad day at work, so I felt it necessary to make sure the dog calmed down so Sasha would stop barking at her so I ordered Jordan to stop playing his xbox and walk the little fluffball. So he goes out and happens to pass a fellow putting up signs for the very same dog. She had been missing since Saturday and they were about to leave on vacation and were so worried about leaving while she was still lost. I talked to him and he showed us that he lived on our street about 10 houses down and that we could come and see her anytime (we'd all become attached). I've been praying for connections with our neighbors. Many came through Audrey's death, but now I have one more name to pray for on my block.

It is Finished

I've been thinking about how rarely these words are uttered --"It is finished"--and it be utterly true. How many things in this world can truly be finished and perfectly completed?

When I clean my house, there is always something else I could do to make it better. If I create a work of art, there is always one more detail that could be added. Ultimately, I could finish a book, but author probably only finished writing it because of a deadline he had. I'm sure every author that ever lived would look back over their work and find a detail they would change, a part they aren't quite satisfied with.

I finish a meal, but I just get hungry again. I get eight hours sleep, but I wear out by days end and have to do it all over again.

We go through life feeling unfinished, unsatisfied, not quite having arrived.

And we finish raising children, but would always go back to do something differently if we could. And our children somehow find the way to let their life unravel at those unfinished ends. (Though God gives more grace.) We finish a conversation and remember later something we forgot to mention. And we finish an argument and no one really wins. Treaties are signed and wars just start back up again. Convictions are handed down by a jury, but there's always an appeal. Declarations of innocence are handed down by juries, but the rumors and slander somehow survive this and outlast the trial.

I've heard about the importance of "closure". Someone dies and their life is over, but a mess is left behind, broken hearts, unfinished business, unsaid words. Someone feels wronged, and they long for the one who wronged them to "pay". But then revenge, if somehow exacted, leaves and empty bitter hole that consumes the one one who won the lawsuit or found some other way for the person to pay. Or maybe we feel guilty. When there is conflict, usually both sides can find evidence to convict the other. So we go in circles, rehearsing the offense, torturing oursrselves for our part in the matter.

Then it happened.... the perfect man died a perfectly horrible death at the perfect time, pouring out his perfect blood for perfect healing and perfect redemption. The perfect loophole was found to perfectly confound the accusations of the devil. He perfectly fixed the perfect mess Adam and Eve left us in. It was finally perfect. Nothing else ever accomplished could really be called finished. But he did it... so he said it... "It is fnished"

Getting back in the blog saddle

I really need to get used to this new way of communicating. Not that communicating by computer is that new, but that fact that it's sort of expected to know how if you want to be communicated with at all is new. I guess it is a more effiecient way of letting all your loved ones know what's going on in your life... sitting down, typing it once, instead of all the time that might be spent on the phone or.... this is unheard of now... coming over for a visit. Our lives are simply too fast-paced i guess and i'm going to stop complaining about the fact that things used to be different and start getting on board and working in the direction things seem to be headed and be where the action is. If i want to be heard, this is where everyone is taking the time to listen, so I'll just roll with it.

Yesterday's sermon hit home. For those who don't go to our church, we covered the very last bit of James and Pastor Mark talked about the prayer of a righteous man. There was one particular part of the sermon where me made note that Elijah prayed for rain and it was answered.... after the idols and false gods were dealt with. We keep praying for revival and for God to speak to us and to see healing and miracles and for God to display his power as in days of old. But God expects a certain order to things. We want all the blessings from our Father and don't want to be bothered with obedience. James says that religion that is pure and faultless is looking after those who can't help themselves and to keep yourself UNSTAINED BY THE WORLD.

The pure in heart shall see God. And we have called purity and holiness "legalism" and "getting out of balance". Saul was told to wipe out the Amalekites and he did... mostly, but he kept the best out of the lot... kept the best of what God had called wholly contemptable and worthy of destruction. Am I allowing myself to befriend the best of what the world has to offer? Am I worried about becoming a picture of what the world itself has painted as dull and boring. Do I see holiness as bland? Has my diet of junk food made wholesome food unpalatable? Am I fooling myself when I keep going to the fast food places and just pick the best of what they have to offer on the menu? (Has anyone ever checked out the calorie count in one of those McDonald's salads?)

I was covering my hour on the prayer wall for our church this morning... and I stayed awake for once, because I was reminded, once again by the sermon, that many people find the knees the proper position for prayer. I find it's sort of uncomfortable and keeps me awake. :)

God led me to Psalm 101, which was right after the Psalm I was reading for the devotional I'm using but the Lord didn't let me read 100, but kept leading me forward to the next Psalm.

I used Psalm 101 as a confession of sin by reversing the meaning of what David was declaring to be true about himself. I realized my life didn't come close.

The Psalm starts out with a commitment to sing praises and a prayer "When will You come to me?" Is this not a description of every music half of our service every week? We sing his praises and ask him to show his power. But consider how it goes on.

"I will walk within my house in the integrity of my heart."
I don't know about you, but I have to sometimes say do as I say, not as I do, though I think I'm hiding the "what I do". Has anyone else limited their kids to a certain amount of candy per day and scarfed down twice as much valentines chocolate while no one's looking?

"I will set no worthless thing before my eyes;"
Hmmmmm.... I just love Sudoko, and puzzles of every sort. I can just forget the pain of life when I get lost in a problem, and yet, surprisingly enough, nothing of eternal value has yet sprung forth as fruit of my time working those puzzles.

I hate the work of those who fall away;
Not really. I've kind of gotten used to it.

It shall not fasten its grip on me.
Oh... is that what happens when I get used to it?

A perverse heart shall depart from me; I will know no evil.
I've heard it said that we should be knowledgable of the forms the deceiver takes and know enough to stay away from the wrong people and to stay safe, but to get drawn in and intrigued by it... to watch every documetary on serial killers and the occult... not okay. And if you flip through your guide to what's on right now, I guarantee you at least half or more covers the inside life of iniquity... either Hitler, or a crooked politician, of someone who eats themselves so big that they can't get out of their house, reality TV about messed up families, TV movies about incest and rape and unspeakable things.

5Whoever secretly slanders his neighbor, him I will destroy;
Slander is simply talking about someone. When's the last time you just walked away and refused to listen to a conversation because someone was talking bad behind someone else's back?

No one who has a haughty look and an arrogant heart will I endure.
Our comedians and entertainers mostly make a living out of making fun of others and assuming a sort of superior stature as they point out the speck in the eyes of every celebrity and politician, while the log of self-righteousness is stuck in their own. I will admit one of my favorite shows is The Daily Show with John Stewart. The guy just makes me laugh. but does that make it okay? (Not to mention they have to bleep him often... but I keep on turning on his show... in fact it's programmed into my Tivo to record every day) One day they will see all the things they themselves were wrong about and be brought to shame.

6My eyes shall be upon the faithful of the land, that they may dwell with me;
He who walks in a blameless way is the one who will minister to me.
Who is ministering do you? When you are lonely and bored, does that TV come on? Who are we letting into our home? I think movies and TV are the biggest example of where I want to hold onto the "best" of what the world has to offer. I have yet to find a program completly blameless and free of lies and transgressions of God's commands. I really like "Home Improvement", but there is a constant message of the stupidity of men and the need for women to have a life outside the home. Noggin (a cable channel for kids) is commercial free and has "educational" programming. But it occurred to me the other day that almost every move and TV show made for kids has children (or child-aged animals or characters of some sort) working out their problems without the help of any authority figure. Has anyone noticed that almost every animated disney film starts with the orphaning of a child? A comforting message to hear (for our flesh) that our kids can find their way without us and turn out just fine, so we might as well tend to our own needs and let them work things out for themselves. And don't get me started on Barbie movies and how skinny those animated figures have gotten. I've actually never geen tempted by those movies myself but thought I'd throw that in there for good measure. But I don't want to let go of that "out" that is so handy when i want to get my kids out of my hair for an hour or two.

And pray for me. I've recently agreed to a High School Musical theme party for my almost 8-year-old, which I finally succumbed to my child's begging to buy th movie because she was the only one in her entire class (she says) who hasn't seen the movie. (I still remember feeling that way about Grease in fourth grade. Now I've seen it and am grateful). Anyway, the movie is pretty clean for the most part but do you know what song my girls have picked out of every song to sing around the house? (including my 4-year-old) The scene they're always glued to and the song they sing around the house is "Bop, bop, bop to the top" That song has a horrible message, which is condemned sort of in the larger picture of the movie, but not explicitly rebuked.


7He who practices deceit shall not dwell within my house;
He who speaks falsehood shall not maintain his position before me.
Again, who are we letting into our house through the television and internet? We don't even have to open our physical front door anymore for strangers to enter in.

8Every morning I will destroy all the wicked of the land,
So as to cut off from the city of the LORD all those who do iniquity.
Am I vigilant daily to clean out my life? Or is it clean for about a week after the women's retreat every year and just slides back where it was.

So my point is, I am faithful to perform all the disciplines, but will it get me anywhere, will God take me to the places he wants me to go, or will I hang onto my idols and keep going in circles. I pray for God to give me a willing spirit to sustain me because it just seems unpalatable at the time. But i want to want to... so badly. I'm starting to get a vision for what I'm missing out on and that God is calling us to holiness and will equip us to accomplish it, even with a flood of unholiness surrounding us. And it WILL be worth it. I will be amazed at what he hands me when I lay down the things I'm gripping so tightly. Pray that we don't miss out.